I was on a Shinkansen train, traveling from Shizouka to Tokyo, somewhere between quiet countryside and the blur of the city. Sitting next to me was Jean Luo, a friend and also someone I admire.
We started talking about dating and relationships. The conversation came after heartbreak, the kind that makes you question everything. That conversation brought me back to something I wrote a while ago: a list of criteria of values and qualities that matter deeply to me.
At the time, I didn’t really know what I needed. I hadn’t clearly named my boundaries. I hadn’t defined what truly mattered to me in a relationship. Writing that list became a way to reflect and be honest with myself.
I told her that, for me, choosing someone is a bit like standing in the produce aisle, surrounded by an overwhelming number of options, each with its own appeal, flaws, and mystery. You pick it up, inspect it, and ask: Is this organic or just pretending to be? Is it nourishing, or all looks and pesticides? Is it ripe or will it fall apart the moment I get home? Too soft? Too firm? Too complicated for a salad? And all the while, you’re just hoping to find something honest and good beneath the surface.
It sounds simple, but it takes time to learn what you like, what’s worth bringing home and what you’re no longer willing to compromise on.
Jean smiled and said,
“This is cool. I want to have this. Can you share it with me?”
That’s when I realised maybe I should share it with you too.
So here it is exposing out the criteria for someone I’d consider building a relationship with. Not out of indecision, but because I’ve learned to choose what aligns with my truth.
| On Criteria |
|---|
| Is actually proud of being my significant other |
| Has secure attachment style |
| Emotionally available, mature, can communicate their feelings openly |
| Understands my trauma, holds space for it and is comfortable holding me emotionally |
| Respects my agency no lies, no matter what or even if it’s hard |
| Comfortable around me and himself |
| Makes me feel emotionally safe and comfortable |
| Can dive deep into intellectual conversations that leave us both gasping for more |
| Can makes my crazy ideas feel totally possible |
| Has spent time learning about Islam and other religions, therefore can understand my internal spiritual conflicts |
| Into academic pursuit, but not obsessed with the superficials like going to an ivy league school |
| If they go to an ivy league school, they can joke about it/does not take it seriously |
| Is a problem-solver |
| Is someone who is clear and direct |
| Capable of having productive conflicts |
| Has a hobby or enjoys learning in any form |
| Loves spending time in at my place or his |
| Can make me laugh/laughs with me at dumb things, smart things, and the irony in between |
| Has sitcoms or pop culture references that we could enjoy doing or exchanging together |
| Can genuinely hangout with Nabila and Adik (a close friend and little brother), even without me around and actually enjoy it |
| Has social awareness and acts properly |
| Doesn’t mind a little PDA |
| Can carry or maintain being gravity of conversations at parties without hogging the spotlight |
| Builds on each other’s momentum in parties; can be each other’s wingman |
| Is always proud to be associated with me |
| Respects and appreciates my friends, even if he doesn’t vibe with all of them |
| Takes care of himself: health, hygiene, style |
| Dresses well and knows what fits each occasion |
| Can drive and doesn’t mind taking turns, although will always offer first |
| Isn’t addicted to cigarettes or alcohol, but can handle them socially |
| Thinks I’m beautiful especially when I forget |
| Is a great kisser, cuddler, and foreplayer |
| Communicates openly about sex and appreciates my kinks |
| Makes me feel desired when he touches me |
| Preferably has clear skin |
| Cleans up nicely, takes care of himself (including maintaining health) |
| Preferably about 10cm taller than me so he can kiss me like we’re in a drama |
| Finds the perfect TV-watching position for both of us |
| Is financially independent and stable |
| Understands where I come from financially |
| If he comes from privileged/upper middle class, was parented well to empathise with the struggles of the less privileged |
| Manages his finances responsibly, has a budget |
| Saves and invests regularly |
| Prioritizes me in a healthy, grounded way or at a reasonable level with exceptions that we both understand or has agreed on |
Thanks for reading my first post!
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